perfidy

How else to describe a court battle between the two titans of enterprise software, Oracle and SAP? Heavyweights, both.

On March 22, 2007, Oracle filed suit against SAP alleging corporate theft. Per Oracle's filing:

"This case is about corporate theft on a grand scale, committed by the largest German software company—a conglomerate known as SAP," the lawsuit says. "From that Web site, SAP has copied and swept thousands of Oracle software products and other proprietary and confidential material onto its own servers."

My initial reaction to the news was "Whoa. SAP just made a big mistake". In the fullness of the news cycle, however, further details arrived, via a story in one of last week's issues of the WSJ (subscription req'd) entitled "SAP Unit Denies Oracle's Claims":

According to the complaint, TomorrowNow in some cases accessed information using log-in information for Oracle customers with expired support contracts. In other cases, TomorrowNow accessed information beyond what customers were entitled to access, according to the suit.

My reaction after reading this bit of news, in a story focused on SAP's proclamation of innocence, was that Oracle's position isn't quite as iron-clad as it had first appeared to be. 

I'm not the only one who thinks so. Wired Magazine, in an interesting article, also from last week, entitled "Is Oracle Using Computer Crime Law to Squelch Competition?" questions how different the case would be had the Oracle customers simply provided written manuals in their possession to the SAP subsidiary. Further, Jennifer Granick, the author of the Wired article, doesn't pick a likely winner in the case, but seems dismayed at the prospect of Oracle's succeeding in their suit, but doing so simply because the access was electronic rather than physical.

There's a larger issue that occurred to me in this matter, however. I'm no Oracle maven, but I remember quite vividly the marketing campaign Oracle ran earlier this decade touting "Unbreakable: Oracle's Commitment to Security". Ever since the 2002 debut of that campaign, naysayers have been a dime a dozen. In fact, Oracle itself, by its actions if not its advertising rhetoric, has admitted as much. No less a luminary than Bruce Schneier, founder & CTO of BT Counterpane was quoted thusly:

When they say their software is unbreakable, they're lying.

Ouch. That could have left a mark, directed anywhere other than at Oracle's marketing department, I'd guess.

But unless Oracle has dispensed with the fiction that they, alone in the technology world, are capable of providing a secure database, application, or portal, it would seem as though they're begging for further ridicule when complaining that SAP (via its TomorrowNow subsidiary) was able not only to get into Oracle's systems with expired passwords, but that SAP was also able, as if by magic, to access areas to which those same customer passwords were not authorized.

Friends of mine with cooler heads have pointed out that, if Oracle were attempting to get a customer to sign a new maintenance agreement, they might well have avoided disabling access for those expired accounts. My rejoinder? That still doesn't explain or excuse the fact that their security over this information must be marginal, at best, if they allowed access to items for which the customers weren't authorized.

And one logical conclusion a court could, but wouldn't be forced to, draw, is that Oracle didn't think highly enough of the supposed "corporate secrets" to even put a lock on the door.

Advantage, SAP?

(also posted at a issuesblog.com)

Symptoms to look out for:

• You're a cab driver
• You work in Beverly Hills, CA
• You get a fare to Chapel Hill, NC
• You decide to take it

Witness:

Cabbie says he was stiffed on $8,200

Fri Mar 30, 9:19 PM ET

CHAPEL HILL, N.C. - A taxi driver told police he was stiffed on an $8,200 cross-country fare by a female passenger he shuttled from Beverly Hills, Calif. to North Carolina.

The meter in Levon Mikayelyan's taxi cab hit the staggering fare after a 2,600-mile journey that ended at a Holiday Inn in Chapel Hill. Mikayelyan said the rider's family paid him only $800, Chapel Hill police spokeswoman Jane Cousins said Friday.

"We do get reports of people who are not able to pay cab drivers, but certainly not with this amount," Cousins said.
{...}

So Cousins is saying not all cabbies are this stupid? Good - it's been my general experience that they're not, though they can be a thieving lot, depending on the city you're in.

They're often apparent refugees of Austin Powers' least favorite group:

Carnies. Circus folk. Nomads, you know. Smell like cabbage. Small hands.

But they're not often this stupid.

Holy Latent Homosexuality Batman! I forget where I got this. Maybe Rocket Jones. Maybe Llama Butchers. Maybe somebody else altogether. But regardless, it is awe inspiring.

Go see Joker's Boner, and many other horrifying comics.

Minnesota has already had its turn in the barrel, and it's far enough in the past (Aug 2006) that simply appending this item to it would consign the appendage to obscurity, and spare the Gopher State the additional ridicule that it so richly deserves.

So, Minnesota gets to be our first multi-part state smackdown recipient, all for a single news story from today:

Minn. lawmaker lobbies for Tilt-A-Whirl

Fri Mar 30, 5:38 AM ET

ST. PAUL - State Rep. Patti Fritz, DFL-Faribault, has introduced a bill designating the Tilt-A-Whirl the official amusement ride in Minnesota.

Fritz said she's taking up the cause of 52 kindergarten students from her district who say it deserves special attention because it was invented in their town.

"I represent children too," Fritz said, adding, "Minnesotans like to have fun, and it's a fun thing to do."

The Tilt-A-Whirl is a platform-type ride consisting of seven freely spinning cars holding up to four riders apiece.

Herbert Sellner invented it in 1926 and the first one debuted at the Minnesota State Fair a year later. Sellner Manufacturing in Faribault still makes it.

Minnesota already has a state muffin (blueberry), a state gemstone (the Lake Superior agate), a state drink (milk), a state butterfly (monarch) and seven other official symbols.

Sorry - it's short, so I just included it all. Well, that, plus it's a Yahoo story, so it'll eventually disappear from the web on its own if I don't snatch it. Can't have the Ministry archives filled with dead links, now can we? Of course, the story itself is a bit short on important details, such as surprise vomiting attacks suffered by tilt-a-whirlers and indirectly by those to their left and right.

Another thought occurs to me, now that I've gone to all the trouble to lift that entire news story - we could just start another semi-regular series here at the Ministry, one devoted to ridiculing individual legislators also richly in need of such ridicule. The potential downside, of course, is that given the size of the list of valid editorial targets, we're woefully understaffed for such an enterprise.

Ohio, place of my birth. I love Ohio, really. I miss it, but not enough to go back on more than a temporary basis. Despite its virtues, Ohio is nevertheless easy to ridicule. It had a bad time there for a bit, and hasn't really recovered. So let's not make it any easier:

• Ohio: Pretty Much Over The Top In Suck
• Ohio - Almost As Thrilling As It Sounds
• The buckeye isn't the only thing with one eye
• It's more than just "hello" in Japanese.
• With an omnipotent universal supreme being of undetermined gender which may or may not exist, all things are technically possible!
• With God, all things except keeping our state motto are possible
• Safe for undergraduates since 1972
• At Least We're Not Michigan
• Ohio - The Fascinating Meat In a Indiana-Pennsylvania Sandwich
• Redefining "Average" for a new millennium
• We didn't know he'd grow up to be Marilyn Manson
• Stupid is the New Smart
• Hey, At Least Our Cows Are Sane
• Ohio - Shoddily Made Buckle of The Rust Belt
• Gateway to Hoosier Land
• Where the not-quite East meets the almost-Midwest
• We ruined it for everyone
• You Don't Have To Be Southern To Be a Frightening Hillbilly
• We know all about illegal immigrants. Ask us about Parma
• New Ohio! This next one will be dynamite, huge. You’ll see
• The Thingamabob State
• The Real Birthplace of Aviation, not those Lamers in NC
• Come on, the River Hasn't caught fire in almost a half Century
• The outstretched eastward facing phallus of the Midwest
• Rocky beaches, no riptide
• We have the worst medium-sized cities in the country
• Surf the North Coast!
• You'd think the home of Rock and Roll would be more… exciting
• We were prosperous, once
• You say "White Bread" like it's a bad thing
• Can you believe we almost fought a war to get Toledo?
• Best fucking Roller Coasters in the universe, baby
• I'll show you a Buckeye, Mister!
• No. That's not a satanic symbol. They're just stars for each of the 13 colonies!
• Ohio: Where one of your dad's friends lives
• We're actually quite lame, but you smell what I'm stepping in here
• Birthplace of seven Presidents, one of whom didn't even suck
• Go Indians... and take the Browns with you!
• Drew Carey doesn't even live here anymore
• Three yards and a cloud of dust
• Ohio, birthplace of the Drunkest, Fattest, Short-termiest, and Most Corrupt Presidents
• Rubber capital of the world. Like the tires, you pervert
• Ohio Thanks You For Your Pity
• Birthplace of the Hot Dog
• The Taft family started out fat and went downhill from there
• Birthplace of Three of the Five Greatest American Generals
• With God, All Things Are Possible -- and a little hush money to the governor doesn't hurt, either
• Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
• Hey, just stick with it. If plate tectonics holds up, someday we'll be in New Zealand
• Ohio: lots of nice, and largely dull, people.
• Tourism just hasn't been the same since 'WKRP in Cincinnati' was cancelled
• Don't Judge Us Until You See Indiana
• Tell West Virginia to move back to West Virginia
• A Good State
• Ohio: a Mohawk term meaning 'filthy, yet stupid'
• As Close to A Palindrome as You'll Get in This Country
• A million miles of boring
• The "Holy God This Is Boring" State
• Mayo Goes On Everything
• We almost killed Lake Erie once, and if it even looks at us funny, we’ll do it again
• Hey France, want it back?
• We're easy to spell
• Proud of Marilyn Manson, Marge Schott and Jerry Springer
• Home of the World Collegiate Cow Tipping Championships
• The old Northwest
• Cleveland's not as bad as it used to be
• We know the rules to euchre
• Soda? We say pop here, fucko.
• Screw this "Lake Effect Snow" Crap
• Ohio: Fat Ass Country
• Where people from Newark or Detroit can find a better life
• The Alabama of the North
• Ohio Escape Velocity higher than that of Jupiter
• German Humor, Appalachian Neatness
• The dropped Infinitive State
• Your broadcasters sound like us
• Tin Soldiers and Nixon's coming, We're finally on our own. This summer I hear the drumming, four dead in Ohio

[wik] Bonus slogans!

• Kiss your wife where it stinks: visit Ohio!
• More colleges per capita than any other state, as if that makes a difference
• Ohio: helping the gay small-business owner find somewhere else to live since
  1803
• George Washington's Back Forty
• Why they keep shootin at our presidents?
• Home of the Cleveland steamer
• North West Virginia
• Just passin' through!

My favorite rock album of 2006 was by the New England collective The Beatings, whose sweet-tart invocation of the greats of Boston's postpunk history (The Pixies, Sonic Youth, Mission of Burma) on Holding Onto Hand Grenades struck me as much more than just attribute to their influences.

In the wake of the release of that album, Beatings guitarist E.R. (aka the improbably named Eldridge Rodriguez) kept going, writing and recording his own stuff under his own name, finally releasing in late February of this year an album of his own, This Conspiracy Against Us.

Many of the songs on Rodriguez' album could fit comfortably on a Beatings record, but where the band as a whole tended toward tense, rigorous arrangements featuring loud and layered guitars, Rodriguez alone is much more relaxed, at times a little more acoustic, and in a welcome way, weirder. He's still comfortably within the basic genre definition of "indie rock" or "postpunk" or whatever, but he sounds like he's having a ball.

What do I mean by "weirder?" Well, for example, although the Beatings have a nice way with a hook, I can't imagine a Beatings song featuring hand claps, 'sha-la-la' backing vocals, or a cheerleader chorus bleating "a-c-t-i-o-n, action, action, we want action" underneath the big hook. But there they are, the female chorus on "You Get What You Want," adding a winsome dimension to what's already a hooky modern rock song.

And I can't imagine, well, anybody with the courage to write a Bowie song and record it in a Bowie voice like Rodriguez does on "Black History Month." Yet, there it is in the middle of what, by rights, ought to be a mildly interesting set of songs by one member of a not-famous-quite-yet rock quartet. This Conspiracy Against Us is full of songs like this, quirky enough to stand out, but strong and restrained enough not to just be irritating, cutesy or precious.

This Conspiracy Against Us probably isn't going to win any awards, and probably isn't (such a crime!) going to break huge and move a million units at retail. But Eldridge Rodriguez has made a very impressive, accomplished and most of all interesting debut album, and that's good news for the future.

Dateline: Detroit "Police Say Gay Man Not Fatally Beaten"

Odd headline, I think you'll agree. Several interpretations seemed possible.

He was beaten, but not fatally.
He was beaten, but was somehow happy about it, and not dead.
He died, but not of a beating.

I had to read the story to find that it was the third. There's fifteen minutes of my life (1 minute reading, 14 minutes pontificating) I'll never see again.

DETROIT (AP) - An elderly man whose death became a cause for gay rights advocates died of natural causes, not from being beaten, authorities said Wednesday.

According to family members, before his death, Andrew Anthos told them a story about how he'd been injured, and the story, as told by the family, included indications it was a hate crime. Serious charges, well worthy of investigation and punishment, if true. But it turns out the Wayne County Medical Examiner's Office looked into matters, found that Anthos fell, determined how & why he fell, and in any event couldn't find evidence that anything about the story as related by the family was true.

Regardless of the circumstances, it's a shame he died - 72's not very old, really, and becomes less old to me in concept the longer I live.

The closing portion of the story, however, was even harder to parse than the obtuse headline:

Fedenis [his cousin] said she was shocked.

"I won't let this rest," Fedenis said. "I can't let this tarnish him. I don't want anyone to think it wasn't a hate crime."

"I won't let this rest"? What is she going to do, go hire a different medical examiner? Refuse to allow burial until she gets the outcome she seems to want? Stage a sit-in at the county morgue until they agree with her strangely-preferred explanation?

"I can't let this tarnish him"? What? He's dead - not only don't dead men wear plaid, they don't tarnish. And in what alternate universe is it better, from a dead person's perspective mind you, to have died from criminal actions rather than an accident? Is she concerned that all the other dead people won't respect him, once they find out he just fell down, instead of being beaten down? That because of concerns about his coordination, he'll always be one of the last guys picked for the dead-person basketball leagues we all hear so much about?

"I don't want anyone to think it wasn't a hate crime"? Not even if it wasn't? And what possible benefit is there, to Anthos or his family, for this to have been deemed a hate crime? None, near as I can tell.

Having already wasted a minute reading the story, I figured what the hell? and went back to read it again. Is it possible that the only benefit from this man's unfortunate death being classified as a hate crime would be the ability of "gay rights causes" to use his corpse as a cudgel? Shamefully, it seems the answer is yes.

The 20 Worst Lyrics Ever

In a codicil to my recent posts about the slow death of the major music labels, Daniel Gross of Slate points out that the compact disc, though bruised and somewhat diminished, is alive and well. Classical and boutique sales, as well as nontraditional distribution schemes, continue to thrive as they always have.

About this, I ain't surprised at all. One of the labels I worked for back in the day had made its reputation - and its fortune - in catering to the long tail. They pioneered nonmusic retail partnerships (like what Starbucks is doing now), direct-to-consumer internet sales, and grassroots marketing, and for a long time did fabulously at it. And in a micro-parable of how the industry now goes, only got into serious trouble when they tried to get too big too fast and found themselves caught flatfooted, too small to compete at the level of the majors and too big to effectively cater to the grassroots fanbase that was a big part of their cachet and bottom line. At the end of the day, or at least the end of my career, the Big Giant Album from a Faded Popstar lost money hand over fist with as many returned lots flooding back in as had gone out the door in the first place, and the little record of birthing room music that had sold twenty to forty copies a week for fifteen years continued to sell twenty to forty copies a week, week in and week out.

Guess which one's still in print?

It's not the compact disc that's dead - it's the entire major label system that lives and dies by selling millions of them at a time.